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From: Ruben Safir <mrbrklyn-at-panix.com>
S=
ubject: [NYLXS - HANGOUT] Worthless Dads
To: hangout-at-mrbrklyn.com
Dat=
e: Tuesday, July 21, 2009, 9:35 PM

Fathers & Families on CBS/HuffPost: =E2Do Men Be=
come Better or Worse
Fathers After Divorce?=E2 July 20th, 2009 by Glenn =
Sacks, MA, Executive
Director

Author Jill Brooke helped craft a C=
BS Early Show segment and wrote
an article on the issue of fathering aft=
er divorce. Two Fathers &
Families supporters and I are quoted in th=
e article. I helped Brooke
with some research and briefly appeared in th=
e CBS segment.

Brooke=E2s article is Do Men Become Better or Worse F=
athers After
Divorce? (Huffington Post, 7/17/09).

Brooke=E2s thes=
is is, as professor Don Gordon explains, =E2When a father
is away from t=
he stress of a failed marriage, he can be more relaxed
and more reflecti=
ve and as a result enjoy being more fully involved
with his children.=E2=


She quotes CNBC anchor Dennis Kneale, who says divorce has made
=
him =E2vastly closer =E2 to his 9-year-old daughter Jing-Jing:

 =
;
  In many families, mom is the center of everything and the
 =
  husband is the supporting player. But with divorce, I have had
&=
nbsp;   more one on one time with her in ways I never did before.
<=
BR>This can certainly be true, and some father-child relationships do
im=
prove after divorce. As a general rule, however, divorce is often
what d=
rives fathers and kids apart.

Brooke writes:

    Te=
chnology has also helped prevent or reduce what is called
    =
parental alienation where in the past the residential parent
  &nbs=
p; may - consciously or unconsciously - block contact either out
  =
  of her resentment towards the father or because she has remarried>    and is protecting the stepfather relationship.

 =
  A study by J. Annette Vanini and Edward Nichols found that 77
&n=
bsp;   percent of noncustodial fathers faced some form of
visitation
    interference.

    But now fat=
hers can give their kids pre-paid cell phones to
    insure co=
ntact. Divorce contracts are also often written to
    permit =
contact through email accounts.

    Ted Rubin, a Huntingto=
n Long Island divorced dad to two girls,
    admits to using F=
acebook to keep in contact with his kids.
    =E2Sometimes whe=
n we speak on the phone I can tell if Mom is
    standing ther=
e and then later my daughter will contact me on
    Facebook,=
=E2 he said. =E2A lot of Dads complain that moms could
    sta=
nd in the way of communication but now it=E2s almost impossible
  &=
nbsp; because kids are so tech savvy.=E2

    In fact, Rubi=
n, who has a contentious divorce with his ex-wife,
    says th=
at email helps divorced parents diminish =E2the nastiness
   
is our dialogues=E2 which the kids would overhear on the phone.
  =
  Now he can email what time he=E2s picking up the kids and delivering=

    them without any verbal warfare=E2=A6

   =
; [R]esearch shows that the kids do like it when both parents
  &nb=
sp; are present.

    =E2They have fewer behavior and emoti=
onal problems, higher
    self-esteem and better school perfor=
mance than children in sole
    custody arrangements,=E2 said =
Glenn Sacks, the National Executive
    Director of Fathers &a=
mp; Families. =E2When researchers have examined
    children o=
f divorce, and studied and queried adult children of
    divor=
ce, they=E2ve found that most prefer joint custody and shared
  &nb=
sp; parenting.=E2

    For example, in one Arizona State Un=
iversity study of college
    students who experienced their
parents=E2 divorces while they
    were children, over two-th=
irds believe that living equal times
    with each parent is t=
he best arrangement. A Harvard University
    study also confi=
rmed that children in joint custody settings
    fared much be=
tter than kids living in sole custody households.

    Whil=
e many men acknowledge progress, some still complain that
    =
the system treats fathers as second-class citizens when asking
  &n=
bsp; for more time with their children.

    As Gary Nichol=
son, the president of the American Association
    of Marital =
Attorneys, explains, part of the problem is that
    various s=
tate laws tie child support payments to the amount of
    time=
a father is with their child. Payments can be adjusted if
   =
the father spends as much as 100 nights with his child so
many
    mothers resist giving 50-50 splits and are angered b=
y the
    request.

    Said Nicholson, =E2Are=
there folks who look at this economically
    and think if I =
have equal time I won=E2t have to pay as much
    child suppor=
t? Yes. But the majority of dads want to be involved
    in th=
eir kid=E2s lives. They feel they should be equal partners.=E2

Brook=
begins the piece by writing:

    If divorce is in the fut=
ure of duplicitous two-timers Gov. Mark
    Sanford to reality=
TV=E2s Jon Gosselin, these men will have to
    navigate co-p=
arenting. However, a growing trend shows that many
    men bec=
ome better parents post-divorce, to the surprise of
    ex-wiv=
es who find it difficult to grasp that a man who wasn=E2t
    =
a good husband can indeed be a good father.

One, comparing the
average divorced dad to these two is like
comparing the average married=
woman to the conniving, spoiled,
manipulative women of Desperate Housew=
ives=E2it=E2s hardly an accurate
generalization. (I would also add that =
Gosselin=E2s wife Kate supposedly
was cheating on him with her bodyguard=
=E2some back up that story
while others say Gosselin began these rumors.=
I=E2d delve into it in
greater detail but my interest in the subject wo=
uldn=E2t warrant it.)

Two, the line =E2ex-wives who find it difficul=
t to grasp that a man
who wasn=E2t a good husband can indeed be a good f=
ather=E2 and some of
the lines in the CBS segment imply that when women =
decide to divorce
their husbands, that means that they weren=E2t good hu=
sbands. While
sometimes that is the case, it is at least as common for w=
omen to
divorce their husbands because they=E2re too damn critical of th=
em.
In my Chicago Tribune column Men Blamed for Marriage Decline
but
Women=E2s Relationship Wounds Often Self-Inflicted (1/21/07) I wrot=
e:

    To what, then, do we attribute women=E2s discontent=
with marriage
    and relationships, and the fact that they i=
nitiate the vast
    majority of divorces? A new Woman=E2s Day=
magazine poll found
    that 56% of married women would not o=
r might not marry their
    husbands if they could choose agai=
n=E2why?

    Nobody would dispute that, in selecting a mat=
e, women are more
    discerning than men. This is an evolutio=
nary necessity=E2a woman
    must carefully evaluate who is li=
kely to remain loyal to her
    and protect and provide for he=
r and her children. If a man and
    a woman go on a blind dat=
e and don=E2t hit it off, the man will
    shrug and say =E2it=
went OK.=E2 The woman will give five reasons
    why he=E2s n=
ot
right for her.

    A woman=E2s discerning, critical natur=
e doesn=E2t disappear on her
    wedding day. Most marital pro=
blems and marriage counseling
    sessions revolve around why =
the wife is unhappy with her husband,
    even though they cou=
ld just as easily be about why the husband
    is unhappy with=
the wife. In this common pre-divorce scenario
    there are o=
nly two possibilities-either she=E2s a great wife and
    he=
=E2s a lousy husband, or she=E2s far more critical of him than
  &n=
bsp; he is of her. Usually it=E2s the latter=E2=A6

    Yes=
, there are some men who make poor mates, but not nearly
    e=
nough to account for the divorce epidemic and the decline of
  &nbs=
p; marriage. While it=E2s easy and popular to blame men, many of
  =
  the wounds women bear from failed relationships and loneliness
&n=
bsp;
  are self-inflicted.

A biblical saying is also applicable:>
    Why do you observe the splinter in your brother=E2s eye =
and never
    notice the great log in your own? (Luke 6:41)>
Brooke writes:

    Take the example of Peter Giles. W=
hen Peter Giles=E2 three
    daughters were toddlers, work con=
sumed him at the expense of
    family life. The New York busi=
nessman would justify the absences
    as doing the right thin=
g for his family since he was providing
    the financial womb=
while his wife was taking care of their
    other needs.
<=
BR>    What finally made him a better father? Getting a divorce.<=
BR>
    =E2The divorce was such a shock and forced me to take =
stock of
    who I was and what success should look like,=E2 s=
aid Giles, whose
    ex-wife Nancy Claus sought a divorce
in 2001. =E2I came to realize
    that I had been providing f=
or my children but needed to be more
    to them. =E2

&=
nbsp;   Like the majority of divorcing men today, Giles sought jointR>    legal custody, which courts are more willing to grant since=
a
    federal study shows that men paid child support 90 perc=
ent of
    the time in comparison to less than 45 percent when=
the mother
    had sole custody.

    When hi=
s daughters visited, Giles morphed into a multi-tasker
    tak=
ing on chores previously done by his wife including cooking,
  &nbs=
p; buying cosmetics and remembering to buy eggs and bacon at the
  =
  market.

    =E2I wish he would have been as involve=
d and helpful when we were
    married,=E2 said Claus. =E2But =
he has definitely become a much
    better Dad after our
divorce.=E2

This seems rather unfair and condescending=E2Giles was =
sacrificing
for his family when he worked long hours, and his ability to=
earn
a good income was doubtless a substantial part of why his ex-wife<=
BR>decided to marry him to begin with. Like many men, his divorce came
t=
o him as a surprise. In don=E2t know what else happened between
them, bu=
t it seems his ex-wife may have decided to break up the
family because s=
he was unhappy with decisions that she herself
played a large role in cr=
afting.

His ex says, =E2I wish he would have been as involved and he=
lpful
when we were married.=E2 This may be true, but I would add that I=
=E2m
sure she found his good income very =E2helpful=E2 too.

The a=
rticle doesn=E2t say what the Giles=E2 custody arrangement is now,
and t=
he article refers to his daughters =E2visiting.=E2 If they do have
real =
joint custody=E2not the piece of paper which says =E2joint custody=E2
bu=
t allows
dad only a few days a month with his children, but real
joint custody, =
meaning substantially equal parenting time=E2then
Giles=E2 ex-wife is to=
be commended.

There=E2s a lot of pressure in society to deny the ha=
rm caused by
divorce and fatherlessness. The reason is that most divorce=
s are
initiated by women, and most of these are not due to serious
in=
fractions like adultery and abuse. Some divorced fathers have
brought th=
eir problems on themselves, but many others were perfectly
good husband =
and fathers. Brooke doesn=E2t say this and probably
doesn=E2t believe it=
, but, de-stigmatizing divorce and depicting
divorce as OK (or better) f=
or kids is often a way to greenlight
women to make these damaging choice=
s.

Fathers & Families supporters David Gestl and Eric Ryerson ar=
e also
quoted in the story. To read Brooke=E2s full piece, click here. T=
o
comment on it, click here and scroll down.  Bookmark This
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